Currently, the rule in our house is that if a boy wants to contact you one on one, they first need to reach out to dad, ask permission and answer some questions. So far, for whatever reason, this has not happened. From what I hear, my girls tell me that all the boys are terrified of me. I find that crazy, but the students at my school also say that I am not approachable, so maybe I am scary. If my girls only knew that I am the one who is scared. What I desire the most for my children is amazing, happy and healthy relationships in a world that is consumed with self. So I pray that whoever is raising these young men is putting in the effort required.

Either way, the time is coming and as fathers our questions need to be concise and each needs to have a purpose. This first question seems simple, but I doubt very many boys would answer with the expectations that I have. First, let’s ask the question and then, young men, I am going into coach mode to offer you some advice that will impact the rest of your life.

Question: Who Are You?

Answer: I am (insert name), a son of the living God who has been born again of water and spirit, saved by the grace of Jesus Christ!

Now imagine. You are sitting on an airplane, park bench, or coffee shop and someone sits down and asks, “Who are you?” Most likely the above statement would not be the way you would answer. It would seem odd to most and way too formal. It almost sounds like you are the “Gladiator” when he is asked his name and who he was: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

When answering this question you would probably give your name and then some type of identifier that more explains what you do, not who you are. For example, I might say, I am Tanner Field and I teach and coach. As Christians, we do the same when we explain who God is. Who God is actually very simple. Jesus explains this in the great commission. “Go make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy spirit.” (Matthew 28:19) God is a father, Jesus is a son, and the Holy Spirit is love. Yes, God the father creates, but he does not introduce himself as creator. Yes, Jesus saves, but that is what he does not who he is.

Just like God’s identity is not wrapped up in what he does, neither is yours and mine. What we do helps people understand who we are, but it simply can’t define us. If what you do is your identity and foundation, your life is not built on solid soil as Jesus encourages in the parable of The Wise and Foolish Builders. Who you are drives what you do, not the other way around. You are not a student, you go to school. You are not an athlete, you play sports. You are not a businessman, doctor, lawyer, or even a husband and father. You are a son of the living God. Understanding this will shape the rest of your life and allow you to put God first in all things and love your neighbor ahead of yourself.

Take a moment and think about this concept. Could our confusion with identity be part of the reason that many people in the world are suffering with high levels of anxiety? How we answer the question, “Who are you?” is all about our identity. If our identity is not rooted in Christ, then it must be in something else.

The pursuit of wealth, social status, or fame are common mistakes that leave young men lost and in search of a deeper meaning in life. Identity in Jesus Christ is not static; it’s a daily journey of growth in holiness. As you grow in virtue, deepen your relationship with Jesus and strive to be more like him, your transformation will show up in the fruit you bear. Our identity in Christ makes us a pilgrim and our hope is not rooted in wishful thinking but in the conviction that Jesus is who he says he is.

For me, anything outside of Christ is a no go. You for sure can’t marry her without your firm foundation being built on Christ. Also, if I am being honest, I am not praying for a post marriage fixer upper. I don’t expect perfect as nobody is but this is one of the biggest jobs I have on earth. So, stay coachable, keep reading, and accept who you are. You are (insert name) a son of God, saved by the grace of Jesus Christ who desires to be a pilgrim on the Journey to Becoming 3rd. 

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? (Matthew 16:24-26) 

No matter who you are, most people have a routine they consciously or subconsciously keep each morning. Over the years, mine has changed from time to time and it has been anything from a run, shower, get ready for the day, or now get up have coffee and pray with Jesus. As B3rd Men, I want to challenge all of us to get into a routine of making sure we start our day with prayer and nothing else. We must stop justifying any routine that does not strictly put God first above all things. 

Many of us struggle to start our day this way because we don't feel like we get anything out of it, but like Sunday worship, prayer is a time to acknowledge God and be in a relationship with Him. Prayer Is Not About You! While certain men will experience the burning bush intimacy that Moses had in Exodus, most will struggle to stay focused or shut off their brains for 10 minutes of silence with their creator.

So why should you press on? In our passage above, Jesus gave strict instructions about what we must do if we desire to come after Him and be His disciples. We must deny ourselves and that is what prayer is. If we are honest, each of us would rather do anything else in the morning than pray. But every time we pray, we deny our flesh something that it desires and replace that desire with Jesus. Over time, that is the process of sanctification. Our free will consenting to the will of Jesus and becoming transformed to be like Him. 

As Christian men, if we desire to pursue excellence in faith, knowledge, and leadership; we must start our day with self-denial and the most efficient way to accomplish this task is prayer. It does not have to take long but should be a very intentional and focused expression of love. Acknowledge Him, confess your sins, thank Him for a new day and the gifts in your life, express your desires, and then shut up. Don't dominate the conversation but leave most of the time for Him to shape who He desires you to be. Life to the fullest is only possible through Jesus and prayer is a great start. 

Recently, I had the privilege to attend a New Ignatian Educators Retreat in St. Louis, Missouri with a few colleagues from Jesuit. Throughout the first day of the retreat, my companions and I were asked to spend time in silent reflection, inviting the Holy Spirit into a sacred space, free from the daily distractions and chaos that so often dominate our lives. I’ll admit, I struggled (and continue to struggle) with embracing the discomfort of silence. There I was, sitting in a beautiful chapel, gazing upon a crucifix, deeply frustrated that my mind seemed to be elsewhere. My mind drifted to tasks that were either left unresolved before departing for the retreat or that were looming on the horizon upon returning from the retreat. Gifted with the time to reflect, I wrestled with the deafening, seemingly unforgiving silence. 

The silence was deafening because it exposed how attached I have become to the incessant activity and productivity of life. As Father Mike Schmitz acutely states, “Silence exposes and magnifies what’s in our hearts.” Through this period of restless silence, I found that I don’t particularly like what’s in my heart: endless comparing, unchecked pride, palpable isolation, and anger. In silence, I cannot suppress my anxiety with timely sarcasm and a carefully curated facade of contentment. In silence, I cannot hide behind the fleeting distraction of a screen. In silence, I cannot run from my past. Silence unveils my innate, inescapable, overwhelming brokenness. More than anything, silence reveals how desperately I need Christ.

What happens when we permit the noise of the world and the demands of our tireless tasks to supersede a genuine relationship with Christ? What happens when we allow the creation to overtake the Creator, and what can we do to rectify this spiritual imbalance in our lives? What happens when noise feels more natural than silence? I firmly believe what happens is that we take a step away from God and who He calls us to be in Him. Certainly, we can deepen our faith through readings and discussions, but God’s first language is silence, and it’s a language that we are often not inclined to hear. After all, how can we possibly hear God’s first language of silence when the volume of enticing diversions is at its apex?

I have a sneaky suspicion that if we learn to detach from the noise, to embrace periods of lasting silence, and to invite Christ into these reflective moments, God will reveal who we are in Him. For in and through Him, we are justified, forgiven, loved, protected, healed, redeemed, and chosen. During the times of silent reflection on this retreat, the words of Tim Keller percolated in my mind: “We are far more sinful than we could ever imagine, yet far more loved than we could ever hope.” May you and I seek silence with open hearts, trusting fully that no matter the chaos that permeates our lives, God is who He says He is and, thankfully, we are who He says we are. I pray that you and your loved ones find moments this month where God whispers to you in silence and that you heed His call. I pray that we make the language of silence paramount in our lives, so that we can begin to understand how to make Christ the firm foundation of our lives. I hope that we reflect on our dynamic with silence and recognize that a time for silence is a time for Christ, a time to recalibrate our hearts and elevate our perspectives to the beauty around us.

Author: Brian Goll is a B3rd Friend and English Teacher at Dallas Jesuit High School